Do you ever feel stressed?Do you struggle some times to keep all the balls in the air? I certainly have,particularly when my children were little and I was working running my own medium sized company. There are many studies to show how mothers who work, experience stress from there literally not being enough hours in the day.
Would you like some ideas on how to improve things?
1. You may not believe what I am about to say but this is THE most important thing to help you is to create time for yourself. Look after yourself. Get enough sleep. Eat well. You are the centre of the family and if you are not fully functioning then everything will start to collapse.
2. Do your best to let go of any guilt you have around your parenting. Don’t let go of wanting to be better, just the guilt.
If we stay feeling guilty or bad one of two things will happen. Either you will repeat the mistake since guilt sets up a pattern to repeat; if you feel bad about doing something without learning the lesson then you will do it again. Or you will withdraw; you will pull back in the hope that you will not inflict this mistake on people around you again. This makes you unavailable so next time something goes wrong for someone close to you because you are not available, because you are withdrawn you can’t reach them and they will most likely suffer and then you will feel even worse and most likely will withdraw further.
Exercise to get past guilt
Think of an incident where you felt bad about your parenting and write it down.
How many steps did you take away from your child when this happened? It would be about
What is the lesson you could learn from this incident instead of feeling bad? It would be
As you are willing to learn this lesson would you forgive yourself for making a mistake, as you would forgive someone else you love if they made a mistake?
If the answer is yes, imagine yourself for a moment taking back those steps until you reconnect again with your child.
3. Make mornings easier. You can do this by getting up early enough that everything can be done at your children’s pace. Key there is obviously the children’s pace because as soon as you rush children you miss the fun part of parenting. The smiles you see, the little comments they make which are so delightful.
Also get everything ready the night before. Divide up the jobs with your partner if possible, so you both know what needs to be done so that day and the next will go well.
4. Make bedtime easier. Be sure to leave energy for bedtime. Start the routine on time. Remember your children are about to have a long separation from you while asleep so give them plenty of cuddles and love to fill up their batteries.
5. You could stay connected during the day using skype or texts or videos that you have recorded.
6. Create family activities. Making time for your kids is crucial, both during the week and on the weekends, to nurture your family and allow everyone to bond. If you’re pressed for time, have a family breakfast or a family night with board games or movies. It is said that a minimum of 6 minutes special time with each child, each day, focusing on them only, with no distraction, makes for happy kids.
7. Your primary relationship, ie with your partner, is also crucial to a happy family. Don’t forget to include them as a priority. If you’re busy with work and home, your partner is the first to get neglected. It will help the smooth running of the family. Also if you put your attention on your relationship it will be great still after your children have gone off to make their own lives.
8. Create a team spirit with your childcare, husband and children. Hire the best Nanny you can afford that will fit in with your family and trust your instincts with your nanny.
9. Be clear at work about what you can and can’t do. Stick to the time you have decided to allocate to work.
After all of the above it comes down to our ability to balance our home and work commitments. When we become a parent it can really get out of equilibrium resulting in stress, disappointment, loss of self esteem and more. Often as parents we either give up our lives totally for our children or we try and fit them in; or we may struggle with the boundaries, being totally in sacrifice one minute then in indulgent the next (what about me?!). Or be so overwhelmed we run away entirely by sending our children to a baby sitter then pre-school then boarding school.
During the early years I believe we have a responsibility to care for our children. The time you spend while you are at peace with your child is possibly the best investment you will ever make. However the key words here are ‘at peace’ and peace partly comes from being in balance, not feeling like you have to give something up and not feeling like you want to be doing something else. Take practical steps to support yourself as a parent so that your children get the best you have to offer.
Alison can be contacted on
m: 07710 626 263
e: alisonbanks@tiscali.co.uk
tw: @parentingtutor